In our society we are quite used to assigning a gender to children's games, toys, clothes and even behavior. If it's pink, shiny and cute, it's for a girl, if it's blue, creepy or buzzing, it's for a boy.
Are girls and boys really so different that they always like different things? Should parents raise their daughters in one way and their sons in a completely different way?
There is undoubtedly an innate difference between both genders, but it is small. In terms of genes and hormones, girls and boys are different even before birth. Yet, the human brain has the amazing ability to change according to the stimuli it receives, especially during the early childhood years (0-5 years). What leaves the biggest imprint on brain structure is the care and treatment that children receive from their parents.
Therefore, it's important to realize that the different way we parent our daughters and sons shapes their personality and behavior differently. We can either limit their development within the boy/girl stereotype or give them the opportunity to develop their potential more fully.
Girls need empowerment, boys need connection.
Right from birth, girls and boys are treated differently.
According to research, if a baby is dressed in pink, it's usually described as cute and sweet and spoken to gently, while babies dressed in blue are seen as strong and energetic and handled more roughly. If that same baby cries, we respond and comfort it more quickly if we think the baby is a girl. Accordingly, we let the boy cry longer.
Later, when falls and scrapes become part of everyday life, girls get more sympathy and support, while boys are used to hearing, “There's nothing to cry about. Boys don't cry." Also, little girls are often given commands like "Don't run, you'll get dirty" and "Quiet, be a good girl", while little boys are encouraged to be physically active and even aggressive.
All these early experiences leave a lasting mark on the children''s development. Girls may indeed get used to playing quieter games, but this comes at the expense of their physical development. Being overprotected makes them more timid, insecure and hesitant about taking risk and exploring the world. When we rush to help the little girl with every little thing, we deprive her of the opportunity to try on her own and gain confidence and self-belief.
For boys, the challenge is to develop their emotional intelligence and learn to connect with people. What they often lack is the feeling that they can safely express their feelings and be understood. It's perfectly normal for little boys to feel scared, sad or lonely, but when seeking support, they often hear "Don't be a wimp, suck it up. Don't be such a girl." Left to deal with their emotions on their own, they suppress them and become withdrawn. At a later stage, this leads to difficulties in building close relationships, accumulation of stress and anxiety, and poor physical and mental health.
Which gender differences are innate?
The difference between girls and boys is not in their temperament - there are boisterous girls and quiet boys, and this is perfectly normal. The main gender difference scientists observe in early childhood concerns speech development. On average, girls start to talk about a month before boys, and continue to show better verbal skills in kindergarten. Girls tend to follow verbal instructions more easily, while boys need to be given a visual instruction or example.
On the other hand, boys are better at three-dimensional thinking. They are able to imagine with greater accuracy how an object would look if rotated, and this advantage has been detected even in infancy.
Of course, this doesn't mean that all boys are late talkers, or that all girls have trouble with three-dimensional thinking. It's important to note that the brain has the ability to change and adapt due to experience and training (neuroplasticity). The more your child practices their skills with different games and activities, the more numerous and stronger brain connections will be built.
The most important determinant of a child's speaking abilities is how much and how we speak to them from birth.
Learn more about how to interact with your baby here.
What about gender-specific toys?
Play is the first and primary way a child learns. Therefore toys, whether bought from the store or handcrafted, take on a key role in growth and development on many levels - mental, motor, speech, social, and emotional.
That's why you shouldn't deprive your child of certain toys just because they are pink or blue. Without dolls or stuffed toys, little boys are missing out on a great way to practice their social and emotional skills. Make-believe games with dollhouses, cooking sets and more help children put themselves in someone else's shoes, show care and empathy. Thus, they learn to deal with their own emotions and prepare for communication in a real environment.
Girls are further deprived of developmental opportunities if they grow up surrounded only by toys like Barbie dolls and unicorns. Cars, trains, building sets and similar "masculine" toys help a lot with gross and fine motor skills development. Generally speaking, children learn tons about the world as they simply move their toys around. Spatial thinking in boys develops so well precisely because they often play with toy vehicles, construction toys, puzzles, and balls. Also, toy swords help children confront their fears, both in the case of boys and girls.
Of course, this doesn't mean to force children into playing with toys they don't find interesting. Instead, give them access to a variety of toys from an early age so they can choose what to play with. It's best to sit next to your child and play together - this way you can guide them and make the play more fun. Children learn most when there's closeness, affection and communication.
Sources::
Lawrence Cohen. Playful Parenting: An Exciting New Approach to Raising Children That Will Help You Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems, and Encourage Confidence“. Random House Publishing Group, 2002
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/brain-differences-in-boys-and-girls-how-much-is-inborn/
The Truth about Boys and Girls | Scientific American
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